Tuesday, August 9, 2011

insecurities in a mothers heart

  today's intentional challenge was to have fun with my children and make sure they had fun with me. lately life has me running a little more then usual, and at the end of the day, when tucking my children into bed, i find myself thinking "i missed you today!" even though we were together all day long! i don't want this to become our new normal so this is a great challenge for right now, although it doesn't seem like a very hard challenge. who doesn't like to have fun with their children? who doesn't want their children to have fun with them? it seems like a no brain'er.
  the day started out great, coffee with the King! when the children awoke the clouds were full and seemingly ready to pop at any minuet. we took our chocolate milk and coffee (no! i was the one drinking the coffee, silly!) and went out on the front stoop to watch the dark clouds roll in. it was a while before rain ever fell and before we knew it we were riding bikes and talking about the "night time bugs" sounding very similar to the "early morning bugs."
  when the skies did finally open up and rain fell in buckets we retreated indoors were my daughter felt it necessary to become bully to her big brother. okay, she is two, but what in the world? i had a wonderful time really listening to my four year old son talk about this and that. we learned how to fold tons of paper air planes off of youtube tutorials. we looked long and hard until we finally found darth vader's arm. but my daughter, it just seemed like i spent the whole day reprimanding her and wishing she'd get the point so she could stay off of time out. is it possible that she spent more time on time out then she did off of time out today? ,,, *thinking it over* ,,, yes!
  it's so easy for me to ask myself, what was i doing wrong? it's so easy for me to look back and think maybe she was jealous of something i was doing with my son and not her. it's soo easy for me to make excuses for her bad behavior. it's soo easy for me to overlook the fact that she has a free will and no shame in throwing her favorite toy directly at her brother, then crying because he has it in his lap, even if it's there because she threw it at him in the first place.
  do all parents do this? have these strange insecurities? even to the point where they start to blame themselves for their children's bad behavior?
  grace ~ grace ~ grace. with her, with me, and isn't that her name? did the Lord prompt me to name her Grace because it was the cherished nick-named  my mom used to call me, or because i need to remember to have tons of it? perhaps both? either way, i don't know why this sudden urge to throw objects at her brother was so stronge in her today. i do know, however, it cannot continue.
  prayer for wisdom and discernment, strength to be consistent with my reprimanding her in general, this will be at the forefront of my mind all day tomorrow. in fact, this will be one of my intentional challenges for tomorrow. what a disservice it would be to the Lord, to her, to me, her family and friends if we baby her all her life. now of course i'm thinking in drastic terms here, but we do let her get away with far more then we ever let our first born.  he's not perfect and that's not what i'm saying here, but her flesh and free will aside, we are deffinatly parenting her differently, and not on purpose. perhaps we are forgetting to parent her intentionally? we've gotten 'lax and thats what "they" say happens after the first born. but does that make it okay? maybe in some areas, but i'm sure not in all. i am overthinking this now and so i'll move on.
  i've also wanted for the past two weeks to take time out to sit and write some "snail mail." now that i'm thinking of it, i'm a month late with "thank you notes" for my daughters birthday. i love "snail mail!" i love to write it and receive it and i've been really wanting to get back into it. so much so that i have a pile of cards and stamps waiting for me to write and send off to be received with love intended for the receipients. tomorrow i want to get at least three of them finished and out in the box! intentional words of love and encouragement, who deosn't need more of that in thier lives?
  so tomorrow i will intentionally be consistant with my child training, not lazy as i have been in the past. and i will also intentionally sit and write to some friends that have been on my heart for weeks. tomorrow is bound to be a great day!


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