Friday, July 15, 2011

the unexpected cuts

  today started early at 5:00 a.m. and i was hoping to have all my errands done by 10:00. only problem? with a start time of five in the morning that meant that nap time should take place at ten. i wasn't nearly done with running errands. i was debating weather to stop for nap time or to push on through my day encouraging my small kids to sleep in the car off and on. that really makes for no good nap. i was determined though, and weighing my options while unloading the dish washer.
  stacking one smaller glass inside another and carring them in my right hand, left hand also carrying two glasses nestled loosely, i was reminded that one of my intentional challenges today was to stop multitasking my multitasking.
  'this isn't multitasking my multitasking, ' i think to myself, 'this is just how we stack these glasses.' moving quickly trying to decide how my children's nap was going to fit into my busy day, i banged the right handful of glasses on the outside of the cabinet, dropping first the taller, skinny glass, then the shorter, wider glass to the ground.
  in slow motion i watched as the taller glass bounced once, brace for the shatter, twice, and i wince as i notice it didn't brake. still falling to the ground i watch as the shorter, wider glass bounces once on the ground, again expecting the shatter of shard's splinter throughout the quiet of thoughts, bounces twice and lands, whole.
  "you okay mommy?" my small boy asks from the other room.
  still in disbelief that glass isn't glittering linoleum, i call back, "yeah but don't come in here until i clean it all up."
 i swear i thought i heard a crack. shaking my head, bending over to pick up the taller of the two i see it. the smaller, wider glass in the left hand, the one i was still holding, cracked and missing a huge peace of glass. standing up i wonder how in the world are the two glasses i dropped absolutely fine and the one i'm holding perfectly tight is broken?
  left hand starting to ache i realised i braced for the shattering of broking glass by gripping the others so as not to drop them too. my grip on the glass is what broke it.
  shards poking  palm i pull the taller glass out of the shorter now broken one. death grip on glass, bracing for the expected.
  is it the unexpected that cuts, death grip and all?
  when i step out and fall, i bounce. when i hold tight, gripped, full of anxiety, i brake.
  when stepping out, taking action leads to a fall, i bounce - at least i tried. when i hold tight, don't move, only wonder, i brake. stewing over this perfect illustration i rinse sparkled shards down the drain, off the palm, and remember, "i am supposed to slow down today. intentionally slow down."
  it is decided. we will all lye down and nap at 10:00 a.m. any other day we would still be rubbing sleep out of our eyes. the kids must nap and i must intentionally slow down. i will slow to a sleep.
  the day went well. the day was fun. i may not have gotten everything accomplished that i really wanted to but who does? thankfully i am not a heart surgeon but a wife and mother; running errands and trying to be intentional about choosing to be nearer to God. to experience more and more of Him.
  tomorrow i will now intentionally practice my non-multitasking on top of multitasking. as well as intentionally only doing one thing at a time, and doing it all for the Lord.
  i say practice because i really want this to become me. i want it to be part of the fabric of who i am - this is how much of a good difference if has made. grant it, it's only been two days. but i cannot see how these two things can be a bad thing. the whole intentionally not multitasking on top of multitasking has made me notice, that when i have the desire to do too many things at once, but force myself to stop and choose which thing i will do first, i breath deeper. from my diaphragm, not up in my chest all shallow.    i.    relax.    i enjoy what i am doing.  perhaps it's because i know Who i do it for? i know Who is watching and Who is appreciating and i am even less lonely these past two days. the conversations with my Lord are even easier flowing and not choppy and not mostly cries for help.
  i will also intentionally practice slowing down too. i don't need any more shattered glass in my hands, on the the floor or any where for that matter.
  tomorrow will be very different. i am used to being home mostly and with my family always. a bridal shower will have me stepping into a potentially uncomfortably nervous mind frame. being a stay at home wife and mother has made me feel slightly "off" in adult communication. leaving me to feel slightly insecure with conversation that don't involve super hero's, strawberry shortcake and, quite honestly, poop. i want to intentioanlly not worry about my children. intentionally remember that God's got every thing and doesn't need me to micromange. i want to intentionally be present in each moment and to be all there.
  i better go get an index card and write all this down to keep in my pocket. i might need to refer back it to throught my day. as long as i'm not reading it while i'm doing anything else right?  ;)

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